Sunday, October 12, 2008

Bulk sized fear and tiny glimmers of hope

We went to CostcHo today - why do we subject ourselves to the torture?? I practically hyperventilate when we turn into the parking lot. It's a complete zoo. My blood pressure starts its steady climb as I watch a ten-car backup develop as some lazy ass waits & waits for that perfect parking spot near the front door. Or the way life and limb is risked just trying to enter the frickin' place. All these people are coming out at breakneck speeds, so they can hurry home and break into their jumbo-sized premade Caesar salad and chicken bake.

Yet we go back. Again and again. Never escaping without at least a $200 bill - and there's only two of us! Even with a list in hand and nerves of steel, we still find our xtra large cart full of things we had no idea we needed.

"Honey, are we out of granola bars?"
"No, I checked before we left. We're outta paper towels, though."
"Just think, in eight months we could be buying these huge crates of diapers and wipes. And formula. Are we low on soy milk?"

The 2nd beta looked good. It doubled. Just. They don't want to see me back for two weeks. I'm trying to remain calm. We want to be happy, but no longer naive to the fact there's still a lot of hurdles to cross. We're being cautiously optimistic. There's random baby comments peppering our conversations, but we're not running out to buy strollers or pick colors for the nursery. I'm just too freaked out. Just one day at a time, right? Trying not to dwell on fetal poles or sacs or heartbeats. I honestly think this is way worse than the two week wait. We should be dancing in the streets and the happiest people on the planet - but we're just too scared. Too worried. I don't think we'll ever feel secure until that baby is safe in our arms.


Happy Not-So-Newlywed said...

Hey- congratulations!!! I totally hear you about the cautious optimism. I haven't really felt "happy" about our BFP yet, because I feel like it could be gone at any minute.

So not fair that we aren't dancing in the streets. Hopefully in 9 months we'll both have babies in our arms and we can dance then!

PS- once you go chi, you'll never go back. It is so addicting.

Trace said...

It's amazing how the fertility stuff adds so much fear into something that should be filled with joy.

Peeveme said...

Even after a healthy baby is born you worry. Just know that there is nothing you can do to change what is going to happen. You can't jinx it, you can't save it. You are just along for the ride. It's so hard the first few weeks with all the worry. Hoping the next few weeks flies by uneventfully.

Sarah said...

Congratulations! I know its easier said than done, but dont waste a second of your pregnancy. Embrace all of it. Be happy, dance dammit dance! =)

Hope the next few weeks whizzes by and leaves you feeling less and less worried.