Thursday, September 23, 2010

Reminiscing in the Shoe Aisle

The other day I got a hall pass and went to one of my favorite places. Tarjay. For whatever reason, roaming those wide aisles jammed-packed with things I don't need but think I do, is soothing.

Enjoying my few moments of peace alone (for once!), I came to the toddler shoes. Lady Bug will certainly inherit my innate sense of style and love of all things foot related. She already has an ungodly amount of shoes and she only wears them a few times a week which is really such a shame.

I had the strangest feeling, standing there in the narrow aisle. I felt like an impostor. Like I was totally pretending that I had a 1-year old that I could buy shoes for. It seemed like everyone passing me by was giving me the hairy eyeball and thinking, "she's not a mom, she's a fake. A wannabe."

Prior to Lady Bug there were YEARS of wandering aisles. Yearning for the chance to buy a onesie or pick out a crib. Even though now it's a reality, it often doesn't feel real. I don't feel like a mom. I feel like someone playing the role of a mom, and often times not doing such a great job at it.

The old familiar feeling caught me off guard and I got big tears in my eyes which surely made some passer-by's do a double take. Because, who cries over kids shoes? Me apparently.

It's another reminder that infertility stays with you. It's a part of who you are. A piece of the puzzle that you can't just forget about.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Here Comes the Doldrums

Fall is here. In Seattle that means rain is in full session for the next nine months. Usually our Septembers are fantastic, but fall came early this year with nothing even remotely resembling our usual glorious Indian summers.

Out came the sweaters. And the socks. And the jackets. Back go the shorts, t-shirts, sandals and flip-flops. Sigh.

This crappy weather is really playing havoc with Lady Bug. She LOVES to go outside, and I've discovered it's really no fun at all to chase a 1-year old around in the rain, making sure she doesn't throw herself into a puddle or rub mud all over herself. I guess I'll have to muster up some creative indoor games.

It doesn't really help, though, when she sees the dogs going outside. She totally bangs on the door and has a big fit. She just loves being outside. Rain or shine. Unlike me who totally just wants to curl up on my bed with a blanket and a good book. Which I probably wont get to do for at least another twenty years.

We had our nuchal fold scan yesterday. Everything looked good, which was a big relief. I forgot how nerve wracking this time is. My morning sickness has eased up and I don't feel any kicking or movement, yet. It's almost like I can pretend that I've just gained some weight from eating way too much and this whole pregnancy thing is a cruel joke. Seeing the ultrasound yesterday was very reassuring. Little hands and feet moving around. They think it's a girl. Too early to know for sure, but that was our tech's guess.

This weekend will be full of chores that we didn't get done last weekend. Double sigh. Lately I've been just longing for even a few hours when I can just sit and do nothing. Just relax. With no toddlers melting down or dirty clothes to wash or dogs to smell. A woman can dream.