Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Amnesia - common side effect of a baby after infertility?

Last night I called a girlfriend. She's the only "real-life" friend I know that has had an IVF. I've known her for twenty years. Met her in college. Was in her wedding. She was the girl who wanted to get married immediately and have a gaggle of babies immediately. They soon discovered she had all sorts of uterus/fallopian issues and that conceiving was going to be a challenge. They went through 6 IUIs, and got pregnant with their first IVF. It was a long, hard journey for them, and I am truly glad it all worked out.

I hadn't talked to her since right after my miscarriage...but I wanted to let her know how all the other IUIs had gone (failed), and that we were scheduled for a retrieval the next morning. I thought she could empathize, give me some encouragement, listen to my fears with an understanding ear. Yet, as soon as she picked up the phone, she started in on how wonderful her life was. How much she loved being a mom - going into details on her son's various accomplishments thus far in life. How cute he was, his feeding habits, the awesome group of women she's met who also have babies the same age as her Sweet Pea.  How they were going to start trying for their second with all their FEs left over from their first IVF.

I was so mad! I was so hurt. I was so disappointed. I thought since she had gone through all of this crap herself, that she had dealt with this world of pain, that she knew first-hand what it felt like to be anxious and nervous and worried. That she knew, above all else, what it felt like to have a baby waived in front of your face. To have motherhood flaunted like a skinny person eating a huge piece of chocolate cake in front of a Weight.Watchers group. But NO! She totally went on and on, unabashedly, for the majority of our conversation. Until she wished me good luck and then excused herself because she had to put her little bundle of joy to bed because it was "way past his bedtime and I don't want to pay the price tomorrow!"

Am I being way too oversensitive here? Did I set my expectations too high? Did I have a false sense of camaraderie? I thought we were a special group of women, bonded by the shear nightmare of infertility. Am I totally off course? Do women who've gone the fertility treatment obstacle course to come out a winner on the other side usually abandon every memory of the heartache, depression, and frustration, not to mention the hurt caused by insensitive mommies?  


momofonefornow said...

No, not all of us are like that. I am sorry that she did that to you. I think that fellow IFer's should be extra sensitive because they know that the number of people that we can share with is so, so small. I hope that I never did that to anyone. I don't think I did.

I will say this, when you become a parent it is all consuming. I mean it, every ounce of energy or thought you have put into your IF, magnify it by 10. I think she is probably just soooo consumed by what is going on in her life right now that she can't step out of it to see your pain. I am not saying that it's right, but that is probably why she did that.

Michelle said...

Sometimes people get very wrapped up in themselves and forget about else. Sorry you had to go through that. ((HUGS))

Trace said...

I think it happens occasionally. I'm sorry she reacted like that.

Mrs Woggie said...

No I don't think you are over reacting at all. I know people who have seemingly "forgotten" about the pain of IF to the point that they whinged and complained about the sex of their baby being all wrong, they wanted a girl not a boy. I can't comprehend it. I understand, and I'm sorry she wasn't more supportive of you.

Here from ICLW.

Kristin said...

I'm sorry it made you feel bad.