He gives and takes away

Last weekend was filled with excitement, joy, nervousness, and utter astonishment. We were pregnant! Went to the Dr's on Saturday for the blood test, and they confirmed, I was pregnant. It was great - We had a secret that no one else knew. I started dreaming, planning, thinking about the impact it would have on our life. I bought a big bag of oyster crackers - knowing the nausea I was feeling was only bound to get worse. But I was in my 6th week of pregnancy!

Yesterday I went to the Dr's again - they wanted to see how my HCG levels were coming along. I got the results back that afternoon. Not good. HCG levels are supposed to double every 48 hours. Mine only went up 50%. They weren't that high to begin with, so having them only go up 50% wasn't a good sign. The nurse told me that I will mostly like miscarry - that the pregnancy, my pregnancy, is probably unviable.

I know that there's a reason for it. I know that lots of women go through this. I know that it means it wasn't healthy. BUT, that doesn't help with the pain and utter feeling of helplesness.

Now I wait, once again. This time for the physical sign of shattered hopes, the tangible expression of lost dreams that were so close to being realized.