Last weekend was filled with excitement, joy, nervousness, and utter astonishment. We were pregnant! Went to the Dr's on Saturday for the blood test, and they confirmed, I was pregnant. It was great - We had a secret that no one else knew. I started dreaming, planning, thinking about the impact it would have on our life. I bought a big bag of oyster crackers - knowing the nausea I was feeling was only bound to get worse. But I was in my 6th week of pregnancy!
Yesterday I went to the Dr's again - they wanted to see how my HCG levels were coming along. I got the results back that afternoon. Not good. HCG levels are supposed to double every 48 hours. Mine only went up 50%. They weren't that high to begin with, so having them only go up 50% wasn't a good sign. The nurse told me that I will mostly like miscarry - that the pregnancy, my pregnancy, is probably unviable.
I know that there's a reason for it. I know that lots of women go through this. I know that it means it wasn't healthy. BUT, that doesn't help with the pain and utter feeling of helplesness.
Now I wait, once again. This time for the physical sign of shattered hopes, the tangible expression of lost dreams that were so close to being realized.
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