First Day Back

Here's a little recap of my first attempt at reentering the workplace by trying to get out of the house by 12:30 so I can be to work by 1:00 (only working a half-day) - and yes, it does take 30 minutes to go 8 miles.

• 11:30 Shirt #1 is ruined by me dropping egg all over it. Wanted to have a high-protein breakfast/lunch so I wouldn't have a carb crash. Change shirt.
• 11:50 Shirt #2 is ruined by LadyBug barfing all over it. No salvaging it. Change shirt yet again.
• 11:55 Notice shirt #3 has coffee stains on it from the last time I wore it to work Pre-baby). Change shirt again.
• 12:15 BigB gets home from his half day to relieve me.
• 12:40 Going to be late for first day back because I have exhausted my work shirts that aren't maternity...trying to decide which one makes me look the least like I have done nothing for the past 10 weeks but eat bon bons takes way too much time.
• 1:00 Cry at sad country music song about singers little baby girl. Makeup runs AGAIN.
• 1:10 Arrive at work. Find balloons, dozen roses, card, and an iced mocha. Very sweet of my team.
• 1:11 Flood of Tears
• 1:30 Notice iced mocha has leaked all over my brand new WHITE pants. Niiiiiice. Especially when everyone and their mother is stopping by my office to welcome me back. I stay seated as I chat it up with them. I'm sure it seemed very rude.
• 1:45 Decide I can't make it through the afternoon with brown splatter stains all over the crotch of my white pants. Go to the breakroom and spray them with 409 and rub (my crotch) with a wet towel. Awkward.
• 1:48 Realize now everyone can see my underpants because of the water.
• 1:50 Go back to office and partially shut door, hoping people will stay away until my pants dry.
• 2:00 Have meeting with boss to review projects worked on (dropped the ball on) while I was away.
• 2:15 Have sensation that boobs are leaking through bra and realize that I forgot to put pads in.
• 2:20-2:30 Try to discreetly determine if boobs are in fact leaking and making quarter sized circles on my already less than flattering top.
• 2:31 Determine no leakage.
• 3:00 Stuff bra full of toilet paper because I'm sure the boobs will in fact leak as the admin who has the key to the lactation room is out for the day so I can't pump.
• 3:05 Look in the mirror and try to adjust toilet paper so they aren't lumpy and lopsided and totally obviously stuffed with t.p.
• 3:15 My admin stops me on the way back to my office and drills me about "what's it like to be a mom?"
• 3:18 Try not to cry as I try to explain how what's it like to leave your child at home and discreetly hide behind her massive desk so I don't expose my underwear see-through pants
• 3:30 Show video of little LadyBug for 400th time to officeworkers and hear teammates gag
• 3:45 Go through mile-high stack of mail and wonder what the heck I'm doing at work with my little Lady Bug at home.
• 4:59 Run out of office without a glance back and head home to my sweet chubby cheeks.
• 5:12 Cry at sad country music song. At least there's no makeup left to run anywhere.
  
• 5:35 Arrive home and grab my bundle of joy and hug her hard.

Back to Work, Queue Tears

Today I go back to work. It's the day I've dreaded literally since the day I found out I was pregnant. That nagging feeling in the back of my head has come full frontal and I am none too happy about it. I've had crying jags nonstop all week. I just can't help but be sad. It seems like BigB doesn't understand. I think he thinks I'm just feeling sorry for myself - and maybe I am.

Even a day of retail therapy didn't help. I had to buy a few new things since my pre-baby clothes aren't quite fitting. Every time I picked something up, it made me think about why I had to buy them: to go back to work = not being with my baby.

I'm going back part time, just two days per week and one day from home. For the first month, anyhow. I thought that would be easier than going full time cold turkey. My mom and my niece will be watching her, so she wont be with strangers, but I want her to be with ME.

I really wish we were financially able for me to stay home with her. But, $35K in fertility treatments aren't going to just magically disappear. Neither will the mortgage or the car payment. Oh how the green monster (jealousy) has been knocking on my door. I am SO jealous of my SAHM friends. Even though I don't think I'm cut out to be one, I would still like the option to choose. Or at least stay home another month or two till I'm good and ready to go back.

I leave in another hour. I'm waiting to put my makeup on till the last minute - I know its just gonna get smeared all over from the tears.

Don't take your weight issues out on my baby!

There are six girls in my close circle of friends. Five of us had girls in the past year - isn't that crazy? For four of us, its our first baby. It's fun being the last as I have LOADS of hand-me-downs, we really haven't had to buy anything at all. It also kinda sucks being the last because LadyBug gets compared to all the other babies and their milestones.

She kicked their azzzes on her 2 month checkup. She's in the 97 percentile: 14 pounds, 2 ounces for her weight. She's 75% for height and 90% for her head. She's a BIG girl which is supposed to be good for brain development. She'll be very, very smart if its based on the size of her thighs and her wrist rolls! The doctors aren't worried, but my girlfriends seem to be. Most of their babies only weigh a few pounds more, and they are 4-10 months older. It's really hard not to compare and freak out a little, but I know she's just fine. BigB and I are both tall, and he was a big baby who thinned out as soon as he started crawling and walking. It's a teency annoying, though, when even strangers comment and say, "I just love a big baby!"

We went to a birthday party this week for one of our friends whose baby just turned one. I made her a special birthday cake and decorated it for the occasion. Here's a pic of it before, during, and after.

Is this your first?

One thing that has struck me as a little odd, is that practically every stranger that encounters me and LadyBug and takes the time to oooh and ahhh over her, asks "is this your first?"

How do they know? Do I have "rookie" emblazoned on my forehead and I just can't see it? Is it the carrier that still smells like plastic and hasn't seen the wear and tear of previous siblings? Is it my deer-in-headlights smile? Is it the puke that has found its way once again down my cleavage? (I SWEAR that she thinks its a garbage chute - because there's an awful lot of places she could spit up, but she almost always chooses the breast slot).

I surely don't look young enough to be a first time mom - and this point I'm old enough to have 18, just like whats-her-name on tv. But it IS my first and it makes me think these people are clairvoyant. Maybe its just because there isn't a toddler hanging onto my sleeve or the stroller is for one, and not two? Do second-time moms get this, too?

Milk Lady is in the House!

I've been taking Reg.lan the past week in hopes of increasing my milk production - just can't quite make enough for LadyBug to get her fill. The meds seem to be doing the trick - as long as I drink a LOT of water. It also seems to be doing the trick of creating a truckload of gas, for both me and the babe. It's not uncomfortable or painful gas, but it sure does have some, um, velocity! Poor Kate just rips 'em all day. In fact, as we speak, she's grunting a few big ones.

There are some side affects from Reg.lan, including tremors and depression, luckily I haven't experienced either of them. You're on it for just two weeks with the expectation that once you're off it, your milk supply will drop a little, but it will be higher than where it was before you started taking it. With me returning to work just two weeks (insert pouty lip and tears here), I'm even hopeful of getting a small supply of frozen milk treats for the sweet little thing.

Yesterday I was feeding her and she came off my boob for a second and I looked down and there was what I thought was a big string of drool from my boob to my pant leg. But it was a stream of milk! It was totally crazy. Maybe this is what normal gals experience, but I have never seen such a copious amount! I was so in awe. The milk stand is in business!

So many theories, so little time.

There are WAY too many books on childrearing available. Not to mention the almighty internet. What's a girl to do? Honestly - one book says feed your baby every two hours, another says feed her when she's hungry. One article says put your baby to bed at 7pm and let her wail until she falls asleep, another says let her make her own sleep schedule. Pacifier or no pacifier?

I just don't want to Create A Monster. Ya know? Things are fine now, but what about in a month or two? What we're doing now could totally have a bad, really bad, rebound affect. It's mind boggling to think that my decision to Let Her Cry or Let Her Sleep could affect how well she learns or sleeps when she's a high schooler. However, I think we've taken the best approach - just cross our fingers and hope for the best. That's responsible parenting, isn't it?

Here's something that one book frowns upon and another grins:

LadyBug loves to fall asleep in her swing. Especially outside in the shade with the warm breeze while her parents work diligently pulling weeds and drink cool refreshing beer.

But one thing we do know, a good nap for her produces these kinds of smiles:

Let there be smiles and rolls in the hay

Went to see FancyOB yesterday - she gave me the green flag for exercise and sex. Not that they have to be mutually exclusive, I suppose. That exam HURT like hell! FancyOB said that hormones (its always the hormones, isn't it?) are causing the lining of the vagina to be really thin and thus ultra sensitive. Sex will probably be uncomfortable at best until I stop breastfeeding. I've been holding BigB back, using the C-section green flag as an excuse - really I just have no energy or desire to whooop it up in the sack. I thought perhaps the mojo would return in those magic six weeks after birth, but it continues to evade. Now I'm scared. More pain! I'm going to have to just go for it and hope for the best. BigB has been a very patient man but I can't string him along like a 16 year-old virgin forever.

LadyBug is now smiling - dang I'm glad. When she busts out that ear-to-ear grin, it makes all the puke on my clothes/furniture/hair and that ever-present curdled milk smell worth it. She's also found her fist and loves to suck on it. Super cute. At what point does your fist outgrow your mouth? I've seen a few adults who can cram their hand inside their yapper, but it doesn't look comfortable or natural. LadyBug just slurps away, happy as can be.

She's grown out of her newborn clothes and onesies. And has even grown out of most of her 0-3 month stuff. She seems to be pretty big for a six week old, but what do I know? I have nothing to compare her to. Her cheeks are getting nice and puffy, and the rolls on her thighs are cavernous. FancyOB says a pudgy baby is best - all that extra fat (that we as adults abhor) really help her brain development - she's going to be one smart little girl!

Still having a hard time believing that she's not going anywhere. That she's here to stay for at least another 18 years. When does it start to feel permanent and not just a temporary thing?