Friday, August 28, 2009

Back to Work, Queue Tears

Today I go back to work. It's the day I've dreaded literally since the day I found out I was pregnant. That nagging feeling in the back of my head has come full frontal and I am none too happy about it. I've had crying jags nonstop all week. I just can't help but be sad. It seems like BigB doesn't understand. I think he thinks I'm just feeling sorry for myself - and maybe I am.

Even a day of retail therapy didn't help. I had to buy a few new things since my pre-baby clothes aren't quite fitting. Every time I picked something up, it made me think about why I had to buy them: to go back to work = not being with my baby.

I'm going back part time, just two days per week and one day from home. For the first month, anyhow. I thought that would be easier than going full time cold turkey. My mom and my niece will be watching her, so she wont be with strangers, but I want her to be with ME.

I really wish we were financially able for me to stay home with her. But, $35K in fertility treatments aren't going to just magically disappear. Neither will the mortgage or the car payment. Oh how the green monster (jealousy) has been knocking on my door. I am SO jealous of my SAHM friends. Even though I don't think I'm cut out to be one, I would still like the option to choose. Or at least stay home another month or two till I'm good and ready to go back.

I leave in another hour. I'm waiting to put my makeup on till the last minute - I know its just gonna get smeared all over from the tears.


Jen said...

Good luck with the return to work. I hope it goes smoothly.

areyoukiddingme said...

I know it sucks, and it won't get better precisely, but it will get a little easier. When you see that you're still the one she wants most, and she doesn't turn to Grandma first when she needs something, you'll realize that working won't kill you. (I went back to work part time after 8 weeks, and it wasn't my favorite, but we all survived. I was fortunate enough to stay part time for a year, though)

Good luck. I hope your first day went well.

Martha said...

Sorry, it's so tough. ((Hugs))

'Murgdan' said...

:-( I hope it went ok.