Sooooooo sleeeeeepy

We've made the successful transition from our old FE (Fertility Expert) to our new one since our previous one retired right as we were going through the big MC. It was pretty painless (the doctor switch). Other than the $250 bill they waived in our face as we left. Our sweet little finance director lady seemed to sneer, "don't forget to pay your bill before the door hits you on your butt! Your insurance covers nooooooothing! You should work for Microsoft! Neener-neener-neener!" We met with the new doc, talked a lot about our bodies and family histories, and then promptly handed them over $250. I really just wanted to say, "could ya just read our charts? we've been through this many times before." But then again, how would our sweet little dr pay for her children to attend private school?

Anyhoo...it's the start of another cycle. This means that I have to kick the caffeine again. I did it last time, no caffeine no alcohol, from cycle day 1 onward - and it worked! At least for a little while. So I'm going to try it again. However, I've drank copious amounts of caffeine for the last 6 weeks so now I my withdrawal symptoms are horrible - have a horrendous headache, and my eyelids need to be sewn open right about now.

My little barista doesn't know what's going on at ALL! She can't figure out why I've gone all "decaf" on her. Last time I had the excuse of Lent. Now I just tell her that I realize it's SO much better for me! If I stay off caffeine! If I drink worthless coffee! That I don't really need the caffeine - that the warm coffee-like substance is enough for me. HA.

Who else has miscarried?

According to statistics, 40-50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriages. Understandably, most of those end within days of an expected period - so most women think their period was just a little behind schedule, and think nothing of it.

But what about all the women that have miscarried? Supposedly 20% of women have miscarried and do know that it happened. I don't know a single person who miscarried. Not one friend or even an aquantance. It's like I'm the only one with bad eggs and an unlucky uterus. Its been strange for me, because we only told a few people we were pregnant, and then had to tell them that we were going to miscarry. As a woman, I want to talk about what's happening to me! I want to commiserate with other women, and feel like I'm not the only one. Yet how do I say to someone, "hey, I'm pregnant, but not for long!" That's just not an easy conversation. You can physically see people start squirming and wishing they were anywhere other than with you. It's almost like I have leprosy, or AIDS, or some other contageous disease.

And, if I don't tell anyone, then I get to endure the wonderful, over-used phrase, "so, are you pregnant yet?" And if I share with them, then I get the "well, at least you got pregnant!" I know this is supposed to make me feel better, but it doesn't.

It's over, pretty much

When it finally started, I was so relieved. We could stop wondering. We knew that it really was over and that there really was no minute chance of hope. This was something for sure. It started just like a period...nothing crazy at all. I was scheduled for a D&C, but I asked if I could ride it out "naturally," since I started bleeding a few days before the appointment. All in all it wasn't horrible. It lasted about 11 days - but very little cramping. It seemed really like a long period. I guess that made it somewhat easier. I'm truly grateful that it wasn't as horrendous as it could have been.

Now we wait. Yet again. It seems to be a common thread. It's all waiting, very little doing. But, I can tell you that what I have been doing is drinking a TON of caffeine, indulging in a few adult beverages, eating raw fish - all those things you can't do when you're "waiting." It's been grand. I've gained at least another five pounds in pity calories ("poor me...I deserve to eat this entire pie").

We are supposed to take this month off. Apparently the body needs to ramp-up for our next go-round. So...I should probably fall-back to an earlier post where I claimed, "Either pregnant or skinny by summer!" That would mean getting my lazy rump off the couch and perhaps doing some exercise other than opening the fridge and consuming copius ammounts of carbs.

Seriously, Most Definitely Not

After hearing not once, but twice that this pregnancy was highly-unlikely to survive, and that I would probably miscarry at any moment, I've been waiting for "it" to happen.

Friday morning, just before lunch, I had hideously horrible abdominal pain - nothing like I've ever had before. I couldn't sit down. I had to pace...almost wearing a hole in the fabulous blue nylon carpeting in my office. I had been warned that this is what could happen and that I was to call the dr's office immediately if it did. It could be the signs of an eptopic pregnancy (when the egg attaches itself in a fallopian tube instead of the uterus). This is dangerous and requires pretty scary surgury. So, when the pain started coming and showed no signs of leaving, I called the doc.

The wonderful staff told me to get someone to drive me there immediately. Of course, it was lunch time, no one was around, and I didn't exactly want to inform my coworkers that I was a). pregnant and b). going to miscarry it. So, I drove myself. I wonder what the people in nearby cars thought as I screamed in pain and contorted my face in surely grotesque formations.

I am quite sure that every traffic light between my office and the dr's turned red just as I came to the intersection. Every time! I thought for sure I would die right in my car, in the middle of traffic. But, I didn't. I made it to the dr's office, and they wisked me into an examining room and poked around inside my stuff, looking for signs that I had begun to miscarry. Then they hauled me into the ultrasound room to have a look-see with the ultrasound wand. They found nothing. They asked me lots of questions and determined that, I, ahem, had horrible "gas" and was "backed up" in the digestion area. I felt like an idiot. They were totally nice about it, but I'm sure they were none too happy to be interrupted during their lunch hour by a gal who just needed to take a dump.

While there, I took another blood test, just so they could see what was going on with my hcg levels. Perhaps there was a miracle! It took the nurse three tries to get any blood from me. I just wasn't in a giving mood, aparently.

After all of that drama, I got a call later in the afternoon that again, my levels were going up, but not as much as they should. I would "most likely miscarry in the next few days and I should prepare myself. If I should experience any doubling-over pain, I was to call the doctor immediately." This is the third time I had heard the exact same message. They must have a little cheat-sheet near the phone so they can just ramble off the appropriate message.

So, we spent the weekend, saddened by the news, but feeling like perhaps there was still a small chance that it would all work out. We had yet another appointment scheduled for Monday and perhaps then we would get some positive information.

We got up early, went to the doctors, and she did yet another quick ultrasound before telling us both that it was too early to see anything in the uterus, but that the numbers were horrible, and that nothing was happening - this was a bum egg, and that it was just a matter of time before my body would purge it. Was there any chance? We asked. No - she'd never seen a case where a successful pregnancy had resulted after such low, non-doubling numbers.

We felt that those were the final nails in the coffin (sorry for the horrible pun). There is no hope. Game over. Time to throw in the towel. The fat lady sung. The cock crowed.

Now we continue to wait. Just wondering when and how it'll all go down. I've got a stockpile of pads waiting in the wings both at work and at home. I'm trying to pacify myself with thoughts like, "soon I'll be able to drink beer and coffee again." Or, "now I can lose a few more pounds on Weight Watchers."

Probably Not

This is the worst emotional roller coaster I've ever experienced. Last night I held on tight to those five little words the nurse uttered: "it looks okay to me." I thought, "Yes! Everything is gonna work out! I worried for nothing."

Fast forward to this morning. The nurse called me back and left a wonderful message that the doctor reviewed my file and, in fact, even though the hcg levels are doubling, they aren't high enough for a viable pregnancy. I'm scheduled for an ultrasound on Monday, where they should be able to see if there's anything inside the embryonic sack - or just empty. At this point, almost into my 7th week, they also should be able to detect a heartbeat. But, it sounds like they don't have a lot of hope for either of those situations.

This is all so desperate. And sad. And lonely.

A Glimmer

I went in for my third hcg level test this afternoon. The office called later in the day but I decided to wait to listen to the voicemail until I was safe at home - I could have a nervous breakdown on my couch with my little puppy by my side.

The nurse leaving the message informed me that the levels had doubled and that she thought everything looked "good" but that of course she would have to leave my file for the doctor to look at. So, it seems they will likely have me back for yet another round of blood tests to make sure they double again OR they'll do an ultrasound to see if they can locate a little spec the size of an m&m.

I feel like they're just toying with my emotions. One moment it's doom and gloom and the next they're proffering a teeny little seed of hope.

I know there's absolutely nothing I can do. This is not my story to unfold. God's got it figured out and He knows what's best for me and has a very specific plan.

I did break down and call my mom and tell her what was going on. I just needed her to know. My own maniacal mommy is irrecplaceable.

He gives and takes away

Last weekend was filled with excitement, joy, nervousness, and utter astonishment. We were pregnant! Went to the Dr's on Saturday for the blood test, and they confirmed, I was pregnant. It was great - We had a secret that no one else knew. I started dreaming, planning, thinking about the impact it would have on our life. I bought a big bag of oyster crackers - knowing the nausea I was feeling was only bound to get worse. But I was in my 6th week of pregnancy!

Yesterday I went to the Dr's again - they wanted to see how my HCG levels were coming along. I got the results back that afternoon. Not good. HCG levels are supposed to double every 48 hours. Mine only went up 50%. They weren't that high to begin with, so having them only go up 50% wasn't a good sign. The nurse told me that I will mostly like miscarry - that the pregnancy, my pregnancy, is probably unviable.

I know that there's a reason for it. I know that lots of women go through this. I know that it means it wasn't healthy. BUT, that doesn't help with the pain and utter feeling of helplesness.

Now I wait, once again. This time for the physical sign of shattered hopes, the tangible expression of lost dreams that were so close to being realized.