the birth story

So here's the backstory:

A week ago Tuesday, I went in for my 40 week check  up with Dr. FancyOB. She said I was still sealed up tighter than Fort Knox and if she had to make a bet she'd guess they'd induce me on the 29th. So, I was all geared up for another 10 days of waiting. Maybe a good time to start yet another house improvement project, right?

On Thursday at work, I was having a lot of back pain. Chalked it up to the all the time I spent the night before sweeping and moping floors from the construction mess. That night, my back was still hurting. It kept me awake. So I thought I'd take a hot shower to help calm it down- but it didn't phase it. It's one in the morning, and I'm folding onesies. I feel a gush "down there" and it seemed like a lot of non-pee fluid in the crotchal area and it was tinged pink. It was such a surreal moment. Thinking, "this is probably it. This is the beginning of the end that will bring my little daughter into my arms. Oh, and it's gonna hurt like a mutha.

I got BigB out of his comatose sleep, and gently warned him that I thought my water had broke and thought I was having contractions. We called the doc and she told us to go to the hospital and they'd check everything out. Here's a play by play from there:

4:30 a.m. Arrive at Hospital

5:00 a.m. Get settled into room and get hooked up on monitors. Definitely having contractions about 3-4 minutes apart and feeling them big time.

6:00 Test says my water didn't break, I wasn't dilated, but the contractions were the real deal. Let's wait and see what happens.

7:00 Staying in hospital. Dilated to 1. Contractions getting worse and almost all of in my back (back labor). Thought there was supposed to be some easing into the painful ones.

9:00 Still not much progress. Contractions unbearable. Doesn't matter which little tricky position or mind games we tried (ball, on all fours, ice, jacuzzi tub, the dance - every thing) nothing would ease or lessen the pain.

10:00 I am ready to die. I ask please for the Lord to help me every 1 minute. I tell BigB that I am done now and I would like to go home please.

11:00 They give me morphine. Nothing happens. I am pissed.

12:00 They give me some other drug. It makes me sleepy. I sleep for one to two minutes until the next contraction begins. This sucks big time because I would relax and then it was like someone sticking an electrical current in my back.

1:00 pm Doctor determines that I am the whiniest gal in the ward. She concedes to an epidural even though I am only dilated to about 3. The nurse who has been with me all day is  about to have a nervous breakdown of her own.

1:30 pm Holy crap I am in heaven. Worried about the epidural shot? Forget it. It is nothing.  I have decided if this is what having a baby feels like, I'm having one every frekin' day. Nothin' wrong with this. 

2:30  What's on tv?

3:00 Think I'll take a nap.

3:30 Nurse checks me for dilation. Ummm.....still a 3. let's jack up the pitocin!

4:00 Watch rerun of some ridiculous movie

6:00 Eat 500th cup of ice chips. Can't have anything but water till baby is born. Su-ucks. Niece brings BigB a hamburger and I make him eat it in the lobby. 

6:30 Nurse checks my innards again. I'm mayyyyybe a 3.5

7:00 Listen to neighbor screaming in pain (get the epi, get the epi!)

7:30 Doc inserts some kind of saline solution line back into my business. Apparently little Lady Bug is showing signs of distress via her heart rate, so pumping more liquid to her sac helps her feel a bit more comfortable.

8:00 All family members are present. Just waiting for the action part of the evening to begin.

9:00 Doctor checks progress. 3.8. She calls it a 4 just to make me feel better because this is getting o-o-o-l-d.

9:30 Doctor explains situation. LadyBug is sunnyside up (facing the wrong direction), is HUGE, and will probably never make it through the infamous canal without a lotta heartbreak and medical intervention. Recommends the "c."

9:31 I agree. Let's get this show on the road.

10:00 BigB is geared up in some sweet white scrubbies. I am wheeled down the hall to surgery room #1.

10:15 After getting my epidural all maxed out, they begin cutting into my abs. It is awesome. Not really. the whole thing was pretty disgusting to think about. I'd rather not recall those sawing motions or the way they grabbed my junk and tossed it like a Caesar salad andwhatnot.

10:53 I hear crying of a little baby.

10:54 I see said crying little baby. Brian shows me her. Although I am sideways, I can tell she's healthy.

11:15 I am wheeled back to my room where my darling husband has our little sweetheart.

11:25 I try to nurse little LadyBug. I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but she sure does. Loves the food just like her mom.

11:45 Parade of family members ensue. Secretly wishing they would all go home and go to bed.

Day 2-4 Lots of visitors and relatively little sleeping.

So, nothing real exciting. Just kind of your normal 18 hours of labor with nothing to show except a big c-shaped scar above my pubes. Oh, and that perfect little girl that is my daughter.