Either Skinny Or Pregnant

I decided a few weeks back that if I couldn't get pregnant, at least I could be skinny. Not that being skinny promises happiness or replaces a lifetime of joy from a child, but, at least I would have only one thing to be depressed about instead of two.

SO...I joined Weight Watchers. Er, well, I actually just went back. You see, I'm a LIFETIME MEMBER. It means that at some previous point, I had the willpower to say NO to food, and was able to hack off almost 25 pounds from this amazing body. However, going back means that I have since gained back all of that weight (and maybe just a teency bit more).

I have twice before "gone back" and on average, lasted about a week and a half before quitting. There's so much shame involved! You stand in front of the lady who can see your weight tally up on the scale (no one else can). She looks at it, looks at your chart and usually says something like "holy cow you are a big one." Just kidding. She usually just says, "okay! Well then! Welcome Back!"

I can honestly say that at the end of week three I'm doing alright. Not breaking any records. But doing alright. A few pounds lighter which means I'm not any heavier - which is a good thing.

A prick, a baster, and a rash

We decided to try the whole shebang again this month. Pills, injections, ultrasounds, specimins - gave them the green flag. Although there was some consternation when we (I) lost the 5th and last clomid pill. Just couldn't find it. It was as if it had grown legs and walked away. I was SO irritated. But, Brian found it, hiding under a stack of mail, which I know for a fact I had rifled through at least three times.

With the pills down the hatch, I had an ultrasound and was happy with two good-sized follicles. The LNP sent me home with a vile of hcg and a couple of needles. Here's where it gets sketchy. I could either a). use a shorter, thinner needle, and give myself a shot in the stomach, or b). use a needle double in lenth and a bit thicker, and have dear husband give it to me in my rump. What a choice! I could do it myself, and most likely pass out in the process, or, trust my (bless his heart) large-fingered husband with a HUGE needle.

There was much debate over the pros and cons of each and much fiddling with the vials. There all this mixing to do, and filling the syringe and getting out air bubbles. Hopefully none of our neighbors were peeking in our windows - they might think we found ourselves a new past time.

We chose a modified option A. I pinched and held a big roll of fat just left of my belly button while he plunged the needle into said jelly roll. It hurt. Not a lot, but enough to get my attention and nearly smack sweet husband in the face. It was over pretty quick. No panicked call to the nurse required.

Had the IUI yesterday. It was early in the morning, awkward, and seemingly futile. This miracle of life reduced to a few vials and injections via a fancy turkey baster. We remain conservatively hopeful nonetheless.

I also woke up to a whole lotta pain in my mid drift. Apparently I had an allergic reaction to the injection and it left a big huge welt. This made it painful to sit, or bend, or laugh. It will go away, so I'm told.

The Difference 12 hours can make

After almost three days of pretty intense cramping, IT came. It was good just to know - one way or the other. I was sad, am still sad, but at least I know.

I'm pondering the idea of just forgoing everything for like the next six months. It's just too much stress right now. I dunno. We'll see, I guess.

Just Gimme a Sign

CD34, still no AF and still no second line on the pee stick. I've had cramps on and off for the past few days...like there's gonna be a gusher any minutes - but nothing. I tested Friday night after sweet, dear husband got back from his biz trip. Zip. Testing again Sat morning, because I thought maybe my pee was too diluted (morning pee is supposed to be best), but nothing A-gain. Ran out of tests, so had to get some more...then took one more this morning. Zilch.

Of course this has sent me searching every fertility chat site (the ones I swore off for good), looking for threads of women who got a positive late in their cycle. "Oh good! There's still hope! Maybe tomorrow!"

Taking multiple tests is kind of like studying for a test and getting it back with a red "F" on the front. Over and over again. "But I studied! I made flash cards! I skipped all the great parties! How could I get an F?"

I'm guessing my cycle is just really long this month. It's been consistently 28 or 29 days since September. So this is definitely odd. But, it's not that far from the cycles of yesteryear. Most of those were 60 to 80 days long.

My brother had his 50th birthday party last night. It was pretty fun. It's crazy, though, to think that he's 50, his son is 22, and I haven't even had my first child. There were TONS of kids there, which of course brought on unwelcome spontaneous tears whenever one of them did something cute. Thankfully no one asked the dreaded, "do you have any children?" I really hate that question. I know they mean nothing by it - but it always sends a cold dagger into my already aching chest.

The test I bought yesterday came with a "Bonus Test!" So, if my answer doesn't arrive by tomorrow morning in the form of a tampon, I'll guess I'll use the bonus round and see what I see.

No Sign of the Red Tide

I'm two days late. I haven't taken a single pregnancy test. My sweet husband is traveling for work this week and I promised I wouldn't take one without him. Even so, I haven't had the compelling urge to test repeatedly. It's oddly freeing.

This whole month has been fertility stress-free. We didn't take my temperature every day (the battery died on it and we haven't gotten around to changing them), I didn't chart, I barely obsessed over baby names and spent hardly any time at all perusing the .com sites for baby clothing and furniture.

For sure I didn't spend any time in those damn fertility chat rooms. Those things are the spawn of satan. All these hormone-hopped-up females obsessing about every little thing TOGETHER.

"How's your cervical fluid?"

"It's thick and clear. Yours?"

"I think it's the best egg-white consistency I've ever had! Should be a good month"

"Baby Dust!"

"Baby Dust to you!"

Barf.

I think we'll save about $50 on tests this month, too, by not testing every 12 hours starting 5 days before the end of my cycle.

Stay tuned.

It's a New Year

We had so much fun taking off a month, that we decided to take off two months. The real truth is that the IUI would have landed smack-dab on January 1st, which means dr. offices are closed which means no procedure could be done so no need for lots of medicine.

Instead of waking up at 5:45 every morning for a temperature guage, we slept in until 9:00(!) and drank like fishes. It's been a very good year so far. It really is SO much better not freaking out every second about every little pain and ache and bodily fluid.

This way, too, I've missed the prime hot months of a possible pregnant summer. I can think of only a few things that could be worse than being 9 months pregnant in August/September in Seattle. Well - probably being 9 months pregnant in New York, or the deep south, where it's really muggy. I'll take my upsides wherever I can get them.

SO now I'm waiting for next week to roll around to determine if a). I get to be a mommy or b). I get to be a raving lunatic hormone-controlled biatch. I'm going for choice a.

Au Naturale this Christmas

Into the second week of the 2ww. It's much easier this month. I think because I don't honestly think we had much of a shot at anything since we're going solo without any heroic efforts by us or our doctors. Dear husband still woke me up at 5:30 every morning to take my temps, and I peed faithfully on the Ov Predictor Stick. Both gave us clear direction on when our "optimum" day(s) were, and we dutifully performed as required. But, it just seems, that without loads of additive hormones coursing through my veins, that there isn't a lot of hope.

As bleak as that sounds, it's been really refreshing. I'm not nearly the crazy lunatic I've been in the past months (still crazy, just not as intensely crazy), and I don't have my panties all in a bunch wondering if it all "took." We're just trying to slow down and enjoy the spirit of Christmas. We'll get back on that horse next month, or even the month after, and proceed with caution.