The Difference 12 hours can make

After almost three days of pretty intense cramping, IT came. It was good just to know - one way or the other. I was sad, am still sad, but at least I know.

I'm pondering the idea of just forgoing everything for like the next six months. It's just too much stress right now. I dunno. We'll see, I guess.

Just Gimme a Sign

CD34, still no AF and still no second line on the pee stick. I've had cramps on and off for the past few days...like there's gonna be a gusher any minutes - but nothing. I tested Friday night after sweet, dear husband got back from his biz trip. Zip. Testing again Sat morning, because I thought maybe my pee was too diluted (morning pee is supposed to be best), but nothing A-gain. Ran out of tests, so had to get some more...then took one more this morning. Zilch.

Of course this has sent me searching every fertility chat site (the ones I swore off for good), looking for threads of women who got a positive late in their cycle. "Oh good! There's still hope! Maybe tomorrow!"

Taking multiple tests is kind of like studying for a test and getting it back with a red "F" on the front. Over and over again. "But I studied! I made flash cards! I skipped all the great parties! How could I get an F?"

I'm guessing my cycle is just really long this month. It's been consistently 28 or 29 days since September. So this is definitely odd. But, it's not that far from the cycles of yesteryear. Most of those were 60 to 80 days long.

My brother had his 50th birthday party last night. It was pretty fun. It's crazy, though, to think that he's 50, his son is 22, and I haven't even had my first child. There were TONS of kids there, which of course brought on unwelcome spontaneous tears whenever one of them did something cute. Thankfully no one asked the dreaded, "do you have any children?" I really hate that question. I know they mean nothing by it - but it always sends a cold dagger into my already aching chest.

The test I bought yesterday came with a "Bonus Test!" So, if my answer doesn't arrive by tomorrow morning in the form of a tampon, I'll guess I'll use the bonus round and see what I see.

No Sign of the Red Tide

I'm two days late. I haven't taken a single pregnancy test. My sweet husband is traveling for work this week and I promised I wouldn't take one without him. Even so, I haven't had the compelling urge to test repeatedly. It's oddly freeing.

This whole month has been fertility stress-free. We didn't take my temperature every day (the battery died on it and we haven't gotten around to changing them), I didn't chart, I barely obsessed over baby names and spent hardly any time at all perusing the .com sites for baby clothing and furniture.

For sure I didn't spend any time in those damn fertility chat rooms. Those things are the spawn of satan. All these hormone-hopped-up females obsessing about every little thing TOGETHER.

"How's your cervical fluid?"

"It's thick and clear. Yours?"

"I think it's the best egg-white consistency I've ever had! Should be a good month"

"Baby Dust!"

"Baby Dust to you!"

Barf.

I think we'll save about $50 on tests this month, too, by not testing every 12 hours starting 5 days before the end of my cycle.

Stay tuned.

It's a New Year

We had so much fun taking off a month, that we decided to take off two months. The real truth is that the IUI would have landed smack-dab on January 1st, which means dr. offices are closed which means no procedure could be done so no need for lots of medicine.

Instead of waking up at 5:45 every morning for a temperature guage, we slept in until 9:00(!) and drank like fishes. It's been a very good year so far. It really is SO much better not freaking out every second about every little pain and ache and bodily fluid.

This way, too, I've missed the prime hot months of a possible pregnant summer. I can think of only a few things that could be worse than being 9 months pregnant in August/September in Seattle. Well - probably being 9 months pregnant in New York, or the deep south, where it's really muggy. I'll take my upsides wherever I can get them.

SO now I'm waiting for next week to roll around to determine if a). I get to be a mommy or b). I get to be a raving lunatic hormone-controlled biatch. I'm going for choice a.

Au Naturale this Christmas

Into the second week of the 2ww. It's much easier this month. I think because I don't honestly think we had much of a shot at anything since we're going solo without any heroic efforts by us or our doctors. Dear husband still woke me up at 5:30 every morning to take my temps, and I peed faithfully on the Ov Predictor Stick. Both gave us clear direction on when our "optimum" day(s) were, and we dutifully performed as required. But, it just seems, that without loads of additive hormones coursing through my veins, that there isn't a lot of hope.

As bleak as that sounds, it's been really refreshing. I'm not nearly the crazy lunatic I've been in the past months (still crazy, just not as intensely crazy), and I don't have my panties all in a bunch wondering if it all "took." We're just trying to slow down and enjoy the spirit of Christmas. We'll get back on that horse next month, or even the month after, and proceed with caution.

Oh What Fun it is to Postpone #2

Our next IUI was scheduled for the 2nd or 3rd of December - which would mean we'd find out if things "stuck" right before Christmas. So, we've decided to take the month off. No sticks to pee on, no early morning ultrasounds, no waiting and worrying. We're trading it for lots of champagne and merryment and generally enjoying the season.

Just Enjoying

Over the turkey holiday, one of our parents who will remain nameless, told us that God wasn't going to allow us to get pregnant until we got out of debt - that He wants us to be able to afford a baby.

I had NO comeback. I couldn't even comprehend what was being said. Maybe that's true, I don't know, but I would hope there's a different way to deliver that message. Because that one was really horrible. Not only are we depressed because we can't get pregnant, but now we're also depressed because we're in debt with no way to get out of it in the near future.

What do I do what that little tidbit of info? "Oh, thank-you for your divine wisdom. We'll start praying for the winning lottery ticket instead of a baby." Not that God can't do both - why put a limit on his power? He could decide to give us the cash to pay off our bills and give us a baby. He is, after all, God. But, I have to believe that He isn't basing one on the other - "pay off your bills and the next month you'll get a baby." That just isn't the God I know.