Thursday, November 4, 2010

More Pink, but feeling a bit blue

I know no one reads this blog anymore, but that's okay. Why should they - I hardly ever post anything. Just like LadyBug's baby book, I just can't seem to find time to update anything anymore. I recently realized that we didn't take any video or pictures of LB's first steps. None! That's a fairly big event and yet it slipped right past me. Poor baby#2...I can only imagine this gets worse. Of course now I know why my own baby book, as baby #4 in my family, had like three things filled out.

But, right now I need to whine. Just a little. Even if no one is there to listen. Which is probably a good thing since this is really pathetic of me. But I need to vent something. Air it out. Let it go.

We found out last week that #2 is a girl. A healthy, perfectly normal (as far as they can tell), little girl. Awesome, right? I mean this is a TRUE miracle. This is a baby that didn't cost $30K. Didn't take two + years to happen. Didn't cause undue worrying and excessive depression. This is a fantastic, wonderful, amazing gift from God. Yet, away from everyone else, usually in my car or in bed while DH sleeps, I moan. I cry. I mourn.

And here's where it's probably a good thing that no one reads this: I'm sad it's not a boy. There. I've said it. It's out. Pathetic, right? But still true.

I just always thought of myself as a "boy's mom." I don't know why. Maybe because I love football. Maybe because I want that special relationship between a boy and his mom.

But the real reason is because I'm afraid of raising girls. Raising one girl is scary enough. Actually - it is petrifying! But two? There's no WAY I'm getting out of raising two girls without at least one of them hating my guts and doing some unthinkable thing to get back at me. I just really can't stand all the drama and hormones associated with us girls. We girls are a handful and boys seem, well, much more simple.

We have a TON of girls in our family. There are three girls and a boy on my side. My brother had one son, my sisters only had girls. My husband doesn't have any siblings. In addition to my own disappointment, I can visibly tell that my extended family is disappointed. Of course they wouldn't say anything, but I can tell. So, of course, I feel like I'm letting them all down, too.

I want to buy corduroys and little ties and sweater vests. I want to decorate a room with lions and tigers and baseball stuff. I hate glitter and lace and disn.ey princesses and pink.

At the end of the day, I know that it's not about what we want or what we get, or who we let down. I KNOW that God's plan is way bigger than mine and there's a reason he gave us (BLESSED us!) with another girl. I know that I have so much to be thankful for - especially that this pregnancy has been fairly uneventful and ALL of the tests have been great. And I know there's a lot of great things about raising sisters and that there's lots of mom's out there who would die for a little girl. But. But. But. I still am sad. Just a little. I'll get over it.


Erika said...

Hello! I saw your post on my blog and without giving away too much in case you are keeping names a secret...go for it! We love it, it's classic and unique at the same time:)
Congrats! Another girl Don't be afraid...if I can do it you can:)


Marieke said...

Although you may not be excited (yet) about having another girl, you are giving your daughters a great gift: sisterhood.

Jen said...

It's okay to feel that way. Really. I think if you have one 95% of the time you hope for the opposite with #2.

On the bright side, now you can be just like me with 2 girls, the first through treatments and the second unplanned. Which is exactly what you were going for, right?

AmyG said...

Don't feel bad for being sad. Obviously you'll be over it in plenty of time to greet your daughter with all your love. So feel what you feel!

Anonymous said...

Hey lady. I've always really loved your honesty and candid nature! I think my dad was probably a bit disappointed that he didn't have any boys. However, my sister and I turned out to be big time tomboys. Until college (literally), I REFUSED to wear a dress. No matter what, you'll eventually get over it and you will love your girls just the same, even if they hate you from age 12-19. Just kidding, they won't hate you. XO!

areyoukiddingme said...

It's pretty natural to want one of each, I think. But sisters can be great. Think of it this way: when they fight with each other (and they will), they will definitely suck up to you so that they can be the favorite!

Also, I don't know if you're planning on making it impossible, but you've gotten 2 miracles already - maybe you'll get a third and it will be a boy.

It will be OK - and girl clothes are so much cuter.

Jen said...

Just a head's up but there is going to be a Seattle area IF bloggers get together. Here are the details: I'd love to see you there!

Lifeslurper said...

Wondering how you are now?

Obviously, we are still reading....but mostly we are wondering.

Anyway, am hoping all is okay!

LS x