Thursday, September 23, 2010

Reminiscing in the Shoe Aisle

The other day I got a hall pass and went to one of my favorite places. Tarjay. For whatever reason, roaming those wide aisles jammed-packed with things I don't need but think I do, is soothing.

Enjoying my few moments of peace alone (for once!), I came to the toddler shoes. Lady Bug will certainly inherit my innate sense of style and love of all things foot related. She already has an ungodly amount of shoes and she only wears them a few times a week which is really such a shame.

I had the strangest feeling, standing there in the narrow aisle. I felt like an impostor. Like I was totally pretending that I had a 1-year old that I could buy shoes for. It seemed like everyone passing me by was giving me the hairy eyeball and thinking, "she's not a mom, she's a fake. A wannabe."

Prior to Lady Bug there were YEARS of wandering aisles. Yearning for the chance to buy a onesie or pick out a crib. Even though now it's a reality, it often doesn't feel real. I don't feel like a mom. I feel like someone playing the role of a mom, and often times not doing such a great job at it.

The old familiar feeling caught me off guard and I got big tears in my eyes which surely made some passer-by's do a double take. Because, who cries over kids shoes? Me apparently.

It's another reminder that infertility stays with you. It's a part of who you are. A piece of the puzzle that you can't just forget about.


Miss Ruby said...

Of course infertility stays with you - people hope once they win the prize that it doesn't but it does, especially when it's been such a big part of your life.

Congrats on winning the prize - you've been one of the lucky ones!!

#19 rach @ the miss ruby
my iclw post this month -

areyoukiddingme said...

If you spend a lot of time wishing for something, it's not hard to find yourself still in the habit of wishing even though you already have it. It's kind of like riding a bike...

Esperanza said...

I had a moment like that, when I ventured into the baby isle at Tarjay after my daughter was born, an isle where I had shed many tears of sadness. But when I stood there after my daughter was born I shed tears of joy. It was wonderful.

Wade and Ericka said...

WOW, am I late to the party or WHAT?? Congrats on your pregnancy! H&H 9/10 months!!!

Crossed Fingers said...

I'm currently pregnant and felt I could finally walk down the baby aisle without feeling like people were giving me the eye.

I wandered down, stared at a few things and then high tailed it out of there, still feeling like a fake. It never leaves you.

ICLW #115

christine said...

I've heard that infertility sticks with us even after the babies are born. I'm sure I will never look at a pair of shoes or a onesie like an average mom (or mom-to-be). What a great post.

ICLW #43

andrea said...

tarjay is my happy place. i go there when i am mad, happy, need a break whatever.
and the shoe isle is my favorite.

i did not necessarily go through the whole infertility journey - but i still feel like my being a mom is fake. like i can't possibly have a 17m old little girl that is all mine.


RELH said...

I don't think that feeling is every going to go away...

ICLW #49

Sarah said...

It does stay with you. It is so strange that way. I sometimes feel that way even when Henry is with me. Wondering if people know he is really and truly mine.

Martha said...

((HUGS))Kandi B, sorry that the shoes made you cry, so understandable.