Tuesday, December 2, 2008

It's been a hard week

The past week has been really tough for me. Not tough as in horrible-tragic-nightmare, just plain difficult.

As mentioned before, I am a worrier by nature. I obsess. I literally wring my hands all day long. And pace. And mull every possible outcome over in my mind - especially at night when I'm supposed to be sleeping.

This past week I haven't felt pregnant at all. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Maybe a few headaches, maybe some heartburn, but nothing that isn't par for the course outside of pregnancy. Of course this means that I am worrying myself sick that something is undoubtedly wrong.

Add to this that BigB decided that he wanted to make The Big Announcement at Thanksgiving Dinner. Appropriate of course...we are very thankful, but I just couldn't get over the nagging feeling that we'd (HE'd) be emailing and calling everyone in a few weeks to tell them that it in fact did NOT work out and that I was laying in a heap in the corner probably never to fully return.

Of course, I can't just worry about all that. I have to pile on the worry that if I am in fact still pregnant, that there is something horribly wrong. Then there's the whole testing/screening decision that I have still managed to put off.

These two scenarios have had me in fits of sobbing, wracking tears, just about every day for the past week. Big B has tried to be sympathetic...but mostly he just wonders when I'm going to be excited and happy.

I think part of it has to do with all of the testing and interaction with fertility treatments. I was in their office so frequently. And then the testing. You know what's happening in your body down to the inch and minute. It's totally unnerving to have to wait four weeks between appointments. Plus, we know all too well that pregnancy after infertility is not a cakewalk. We have dear friends who have had horrific tragedies, and who am I to think that after all of this time and countless setbacks that this could actually happen and everything could be just fine.


Virginia said...

something was nagging at me to get over here and check on you!! It sounds like you do indeed have a lot of heavy stuff dragging you down. Because the outcome really isn't up to you per se, you now feel helpless. The comment about how we know so much during the IF treatments and then our bodies go on auto pilot really is true. Maybe it would help to talk to a professonial counselor or somesuch who can help you take some if this worry off your shoulders?
Of course we're here to chat too.


Faith said...

Hang in there. We haven't made it to your point in this journey we are all on, but I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm going to be a worrier too! Hope you have some peace and rest tonight.

areyoukiddingme said...

My husband never made it to the excited and happy stage during pregnancy. I was there (because I had determined from the start that the baby would be fine), but he was seriously stressed out and freaked out the whole time. I would tell you to stop worrying (because it doesn't stop anything from happening anyway), but HA! Like that would happen. I will tell you, though, when all is said and done and you're holding that baby...you can tell your husband that you were just overcome by hormones and that the irrationality should go away, oh, when you're 80 or so.

If all else fails, though, and you are really anxious all the time, ask your OB for additional baby checks. Because stress isn't good for the baby.

Virginia said...

I just read about fetal dopplers. They apparently give a lot of piece of mind to women who "need to know" that they still have a baby in there. You buy cheap ones for $35 or rent more expensive ones. Just FYI. You've probably already heard of this anyway.

Happy Not-So-Newlywed said...

I completely understand. On the one hand, I am SO READY for the nausea to be gone, but then, on the days when it is absent I totally freak myself out thinking something is wrong.

Regarding the testing, we decided to do it not because we would do anything with the information (like terminate) but just because, like you, I am a worrier. IF there is something wrong, I would rather know and be prepared for it. In addition, the ultrasound for the NT last about an hour so it was just a really nice bonding time with the babies. Plus, it was paid for by my insurance and recommended by my doctor, so I really didn't see any negatives. Just my two cents.

I'll be thinking about you!

Martha said...

I am so sorry it's been a hard week. It's tough to go from nonstop medical intervention and oversight, to see you in 4 weeks. Sending my best. If you would like, I tagged you for a quick, fun meme, details over on my blog. Thanks so much, please take good care.

katery said...

it totally sucks. we don't get to have the same happy excited pregnancy experience as fertile people.