Christmas Reflections

Has it really been over a week since I last posted? Geesh...so much for trying to get my 100th post in before the new year. I guess its been pretty busy. We got so much snow that my work was cancelled...so I ended up getting a whole extra week of vacation (in addition to the almost two weeks I was already getting). I haven't driven my car in over a week, and we've been housebound for most of it. 

My family managed to brave the conditions and make it over to our house for Christmas Day Dinner. That was such a stressor. Our electricity went out the day before (Christmas Eve), so I couldn't clean or cook. That left Christmas morning...just three hours before everyone was supposed to arrive, to clean and cook for 15. Let's just say that dinner was three hours late. It all turned out, but it sure didn't seem like Christmas. Just too much rushing and stressing out. I was glad when everyone was out the door and I could put my feet up and just veg out.

I totally spaced on ICLW. Wellllll....I didn't really space, I just wasn't wanting to get online at all. It was nice to take a break. Hubby got me a NintendoDS, so now I'm cool like all the 12 year olds. He got me some game that's supposed to make you smarter. Hmmmm. It also has Sudoku on it which I love. 

We're taking the tree down today. We got a new couch for Christmas, and they're delivering it tomorrow. I'm sad to be taking it down already. It seems so final...so anticlimactic. The snow has pretty much melted, the presents are open, I guess its time to be thinking about new years resolutions.

Every Bird Should Get to Fly

This is one of my favorite commercials...I'm guessing unless you live in Washington State you haven't seen it. I don't know why, but it always makes me get all teared up. I think it has something to do with realizing a dream. Us infertiles go to great extremes to achieve our dreams...many times against all odds. Inevitably our journey isn't conventional and rarely one we'd pick, but hopefully brings us to a place that brings us a sense of fulfillment or realization.

watch it here

Celebrity Shot Recipient

Got the call around 11 a.m. that the medicine had arrived in Seattle. They had to have it transported from Canada. I went to the hospital, to the Birthing Center, of all places, to get the shot. When I walked into the nurses area, and told them that I was "there for a shot," all eight of the nurses were like, "ahhhh, yes.... the shot girl - we know all about you." I totally felt like a celebrity. I guess this was kind of a special case - my doctor had been working with all kinds of state and national offices to get this medicine. It created somewhat of a buzz in the hospital.

I actually had to be admitted - for a shot! It was crazy. They took me into a room, registered me in the hospital, got a fancy little wrist band and everything! Then they had to take blood and do some type of tests, get my blood pressure and take my temperature. Then I had to sign about a million release forms. After all of that, which took at least an hour, I finally got the shot. Or shots - one in each butt. It was awesome. Total tag-team with the nurses. One gave one, and another, the second. They were trying to tell me that it may hurt - I had to set them straight. "Ladies, I had 10 weeks straight of shots in my butt. This is nothin'!"

 Then I had to wait in my room, while they "observed" me. They had to make sure I didn't have any adverse reactions, like death or seizure. I had neither, and two hours after I entered the hospital, I was finally released. 

That was a fun afternoon. And I'll have close to a thousand dollar bill to show for it. Because the medicine is still considered "experimental," insurance wont pay for it. Who knows how much the hospital bill will be. But, better safe than sorry, right?

Special Canadian Chicken Pox

For whatever reason, I made it through childhood without getting the chickenpox. My mom probably should have made sure I got them, but seeing as I was the fourth, she got confused with her other kids and was sure that I actually had gotten them. 

Fast forward 30+ years. A blood draw back when we were getting ready for IVF revealed that I had never had the pox. I had the option of getting the vaccine, which would put our transfer off for a month, or just proceed. I couldn't wait another month, so I just went ahead. I figured I had made it 38 years without getting them, whats another few months?

Of course I tell my OB this earlier this week at my appointment. She didn't seem too concerned. Just told me to steer clear of daycares, elementary schools, and anyone who looked like they had a polkadotted rash. 

Today I get a rather excited voicemail from her to call her back "as soon as possible." This of course freaks me out. I call her back, dreading her answer, that some of my tests came back negative, or something weird. Come to find out, there was a woman who had an appointment 45 minutes after mine, who ended up having the chicken pox. This is where it gets interesting.

I probably wasn't exposed to her, but just to make sure, my doc wants me to take an immunoglobulin shot to block the virus. That wouldn't be so bad, except that the only company in the US that made it, discontinued production and so there's very little, if any, available. There's a company in Canada that makes it, but it hasn't been approved by the FDA. It's only available in a clinical trial situation. I can take it, but I have to sign a million release forms.

The whole thing freaks me out. It's only being tested in the U.S. They've been using it for almost a decade in Canada, but its just weird. I guess the alternative is taking a chance on whether I was exposed. If I was, it means major birth defects for the baby. I definitely don't want to risk this. Its hard to fathom that a silly little childhood virus could affect my little baby.

Coming Out

I "came out" to my boss on Monday, and then to my entire staff on Tuesday. I couldn't hide it anymore. Word got back to me that a couple of people had asked because my belly was so ginormous. Either that, or I had been having LOTS of Christmas cheer. You really should see my belly, it is pretty impressive. 

When I told everyone, I cried. It was like relieving a huge amount of pressure. It was really getting difficult trying to disguise my growing mass. Covering it up with a big bulky sweater or one of those high-waisted shirts just made it look bigger, and bulkier. Now I can just let it all out and not worry about it! 

It took all of 10 minutes for the news to circulate through the rumor mill. I kid you not, I had a steady stream of people stopping by my office, along with all kinds of emails, congratulating me. Which was nice, although embarrassing. I know for me, when I saw ladies "come out" at work, I would immediately envision her, um, "doing it" with her husband. Err, ICK! You just don't normally think about coworkers doing the nasty. I wish I could set all their minds at ease and reassure them that we didn't "do it" to get "in the family way." BigB just jacked into a cup, and I took three kajillion shots and put my legs up in the air. That's how the magic happened. Pure magic. 

The Christmas party went great despite the snow. People showed up and everyone drank and ate to their hearts content. I was the perfect hostess...filling people's glasses and fetching cold ones. Not my usual party stature. Usually I'm the one getting just a tad too toasty and making an ass of myself.

Had our 14 week OB appt on Monday. Everything was fine. All the tests came back good, so we're just chugging right along. She said, "you've gained a bit of weight since last time, so that's good." I've gained seven pounds since conception. I think I'm a little over what I should, but hey, the doc said it was "good," so I wont worry too much.

It's been snowing for days here. I didn't have to go to work yesterday or today. I've been the biggest lazy person. It feels awesome.

7 Random Things About Me

Sweet Martha and Virginia tagged me. And since I'm trying to earn the "Plays Well With Others" status, here you go!

1. I hate mousses and puddings. The texture just grosses me out. Especially mousse. It's all airy and foamy and whippy. Blech. I have only recently learned to endure jello and pudding.

2. I have a spot on the side of my nose. It's one of those that comes with being "mature in years" and spending too much time in the sun. At least once a week someone whispers that I "have something on my nose...maybe makeup?" And I have to tell them its just a little brown spot. Don't worry. I've had it checked out. It's fine and can be removed for a couple hundred bucks. I've grown attached to the little bugger though. It's shaped like the Hawaiian Islands. I like Hawaii.

3. I have moved cross-country by myself, three times. Each town was about 2500 miles from the last. There's something incredibly freeing and exciting about moving to a new place where no one knows you and you know nothing about the place you're going to live. I loved figuring out where to take my dry cleaning, get my hair cut, go grocery shopping. It's been five years since my last move. I'm getting the itch...

4. My maiden name was slang for "vomit." Growing up was fun for me.

5. I am trying to read the entire Bible before I give birth in June. The Bible is big. There are large boring bits. The type is small. I have read 221 pages. There are 1800 total. I'm screwed.

6. I met my husband through my mother (creepy, but true).

7. I have a reoccurring dream with David Boreanaz (Buffy, Angel, Bones) where he is a kazillionaire and is madly in love with me. He is HOT and in my dream I am HOTTER.

Who gave me the crazy pill?

I am officially crazy. There's been more than enough warning signs along the way, but now its official. I agreed to throw a Christmas Party tomorrow night. Granted, it wont be huge, maybe 20 people, but what-am-I-thinking? I've been so tired lately that I can barely brush my teeth before bedtime. What makes me think I can stand on my feet for umpteen hours tomorrow cooking and cleaning?

We usually have a Labor Day Fiesta party, but this year we were knee-wide, I mean, knee-deep in IVF preparation. I was in NO mood to host a big party. So, BigB begged for a Christmas party instead.

There's a small chance at salvation: a big snow/winter storm. It's headed our way and could bring lots of snow and ice tomorrow. Which would actually suck worse. Because I would still have to do the work, and probably only 1/3 of my peeps would show up. We are BIG wooses in Seattle when it comes to driving in "winter conditions."

Wish me luck. I'm going to need it to pull this off!

Frock Shopping...errr, Shipping

I just placed a whopping $267 order at Tar-jay for maternity clothes (ooohhhhhh pleeez don't let my husband read this cuz he will FREAK). Here's my rational...most of it (well, at least half of it) will go back. I just had to order extra things to try them all on and see what works best. There was free shipping so it didn't cost extra to ship those additional pairs of pants, and I can take the stuff back to the store- no return fees!

I was already at the dregs of my closet. After gaining 15+ pounds from being on fertility meds for the past year and a half, there are precious few things I can still wear. And there's not a thing that will fit without the aid of my dear friend Belly.Band. So, my premise was to order a bunch, try them on in the comfort of my home (who can stand those tiny, coffin-like dressing rooms?), and return most of it. How's my argument? Will he buy it (no pun intended)?

Anyhoo, I'm looking forward to getting my big box of big pants and shirts in the mail. It might be the only present I open this Christmas (BigB and I bought a new fancy shmancy TV "for each other" instead of gifts. And Rock Band - which I adore and kickASZ on). I bought nothing with prints. All solids. I decided after wearing a horizontally striped cardigan the other day that stripes are NO LONGER my friend. And all those patterned maternity shirts out there are rarely flattering, pregnant or not. I had them ship them to me at work, so hopefully everything fits inside one small-ish box, otherwise I'll have to bribe one of the young guys to haul all my loot out to my car. I can hardly wait! Even if it is Big Clothes that I'll only get to wear for 6 months, or so. Excited nonetheless. New Clothes! In a Package! Through the Mail!

Let there be light!...and a sappy movie

We finally got our Christmas tree yesterday. It took all of 10 minutes. I feel like every tree deserves a chance to get all gussied up and so I usually pick the first or second one I see.

After setting it up in the living room, BigB went off to study for his finals. I tackled the task no one likes - putting on the lights. It failed to even cross my mind that you might want to test the lights BEFORE putting them on the tree. But, ya know, they worked when I took them OFF the tree last year, so why wouldn't they work when I put them back ON? But noooooooo, three of the four strands failed to perform their functional duty.

As I was stringing up the (soon-to-be-realized) useless strands, I came upon the Christmas movie, "Prancer." I had never seen, not even heard, of this movie. It was great! I don't know how I missed it all these years. It was sweet. I cried. Of course. Everything makes me cry, especially a little girl with a reindeer. I had already watched the end of Gremlins (didn't make me cry but those freaky things sure look curiously a lot like my Boston Terriers), and all of the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (didn't make me cry but made me seriously think about bratty children). So basically it was a fairly unproductive afternoon for me. And that's ok. BigB came home to a poorly lit tree, boxes strewn everywhere, and me in a pile of snotty tissues and red eyes. 'Tis the season!

Peace at Last

I did it. I made the appointment and I went. It was strange. I made the appointment on Tuesday for the whole Nuchal and Triple Screen, and by Wednesday I was totally at peace. I wasn't worried, I might even have been a little excited. 

I was 10 minutes late getting home to meet BigB so we could ride together to the hospital, and then we ran into a huge traffic jam and of course argued the whole way. We finally got to there, only to be in one big, huge maze - why can't they put more signs in hospitals - people there are sick or hurting or late for an appointment - they shouldn't have to hunt. We finally got to the office 30 minutes late.  I felt like such a shmuck! But, they were nice and still saw me (although we had to wait another HOUR with a FULL BLADDER - I secretly think that was my punishment).

When we finally got called in, I was pleasantly surprised once again with the realization that I didn't have to disrobe. Not one stitch. So nice not to have to show all my bits to yet another stranger. The gel they used was even WARM which was also nice. I felt like a turkey being basted with warm butter. 

Everything was fine! We heard the heartbeat (which I could have listed to for hours), saw the Little Bugger's hands, and feet, and brain, and spine, and head, and arms, and face. It was so crazy, so sweet, and so amazing. There was an awful lot of prodding of my belly - Little Bugger wanted nothing to do with the lab tech and her sonic wand. It took every ounce of determination not to pee all over the exam table with all the digging to find the perfect picture.

The genetic counselor came in and gave us the good news. Little Buggers neck is apparently the right size, so everything seems to be good. We'll have to wait another week and a half before we get the results of the blood work, but she said that she said rarely did the bloodwork come back and make our "odds" worse.

It was all comforting and reassuring for sure. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted and I can maybe, just maybe, start enjoying this whole pregnancy gift. We have a DVD of the whole thing, so we can watch Little Bugger whenever we feel like it. I'm determined to keep a positive frame of mind, be joyful everyday, and enjoy this experience.!

It's been a hard week

The past week has been really tough for me. Not tough as in horrible-tragic-nightmare, just plain difficult.

As mentioned before, I am a worrier by nature. I obsess. I literally wring my hands all day long. And pace. And mull every possible outcome over in my mind - especially at night when I'm supposed to be sleeping.

This past week I haven't felt pregnant at all. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Maybe a few headaches, maybe some heartburn, but nothing that isn't par for the course outside of pregnancy. Of course this means that I am worrying myself sick that something is undoubtedly wrong.

Add to this that BigB decided that he wanted to make The Big Announcement at Thanksgiving Dinner. Appropriate of course...we are very thankful, but I just couldn't get over the nagging feeling that we'd (HE'd) be emailing and calling everyone in a few weeks to tell them that it in fact did NOT work out and that I was laying in a heap in the corner probably never to fully return.

Of course, I can't just worry about all that. I have to pile on the worry that if I am in fact still pregnant, that there is something horribly wrong. Then there's the whole testing/screening decision that I have still managed to put off.

These two scenarios have had me in fits of sobbing, wracking tears, just about every day for the past week. Big B has tried to be sympathetic...but mostly he just wonders when I'm going to be excited and happy.

I think part of it has to do with all of the testing and interaction with fertility treatments. I was in their office so frequently. And then the testing. You know what's happening in your body down to the inch and minute. It's totally unnerving to have to wait four weeks between appointments. Plus, we know all too well that pregnancy after infertility is not a cakewalk. We have dear friends who have had horrific tragedies, and who am I to think that after all of this time and countless setbacks that this could actually happen and everything could be just fine.