Monday, January 11, 2010

Once More for Old Times Sake

I pee'd on a stick today. Somehow, someway, I had convinced myself that I was pregnant. After all that we went through to get LadyBug, I actually thought that I had managed to get knocked up all on my own. On one try. What have I been smoking??

Two weeks ago I noticed something that seemed an awful lot like EWCM. I had weaned Kate the prior month, and was expecting a period at some point. Then the slippery clear stuff. I got a little twinkle in my eye (hadn't I heard that you're most fertile after pregnancy?) and made some serious advances toward BigB. You could tell he was like, WTF, but obviously not confused enough to put up much of a fight.

Then of course all the symptoms started. Boobies a bit sore. Having to pee every two hours during the night, feeling a little queasy. I had done it! The unheard of was going to come true!
I was literally counting my projected due date, names for the new wee one, and the impending move we'd need to make with a fourth in the family. I went through the dreaded TWW, and pulled out a slightly dusty, but unexpired test from the depths of the bathroom cabinet. I waited till BigB had left for work, and then POAS with abandon and sat that little stick on my countertop and started the 60 second countdown.

No second line.

I checked that damn thing like twenty times. Even left it there and went back like an hour later, just in case it needed a little more time to read my pee correctly.

My fantasy ended up in the trash can, wrapped in paper towel to disguise my stupidity.

Being the infertile that I am, I've heard the story countless times. "As soon as you have a baby, your body will know what to do." Or, "my cousin's best friend's aunt couldn't get pregnant, and as soon as she had her first, she got pregnant on her own - didn't even plan it!" I fell for it. Hook, line, and sinker. And, of course, to top it off, eight hours later my favorite aunt showed up. First time in a year and a half. Funny. I still hate that biatch.

I swore up and down that I would NOT go through the emotional roller coaster of years past. If we get pregnant again, we get pregnant again. No more monthly anticipation followed with tremendous crashes. Over and over and over again. Somehow I'm going to have to find a balance. Still "trying" without getting emotionally wrapped up in it all. I'll let ya know how that works out for me.

7 comments:

'Murgdan' said...

I always wondered if this is what it would be like...oh the mind games. Do they ever stop?

areyoukiddingme said...

I don't even know what to say...

I wish it could be different - that you could either have a body that will cooperate or a mind that will accept that you'll always need help. But everything is so unsure that you can never erase the idea completely.

Wade and Ericka said...

I love what you wrote.

This was me a couple of weeks ago except after I pulled out the dusty one that I stared at forEVER, I then went to the store for more!

Ahh. It's cruel and unusual punishment to have those up and down thoughts, and I'm right there with ya.

Martha said...

I am so sorry for this emotional roller coaster. Big ((HUGS))

Amy C said...

Sorry it didn't turn out like you wanted :-(

Now, what he hell are you thinking :-) I can't even imagine having another baby this soon! You're a better woman than me...I would freak if the test had 2 lines :-)

Lisa said...

It's all about expectations, isn't it? No matter how many times you are disappointed, or how many times you have said to yourself "I am not going to expect...just hope," it's so difficult to turn off that voice that allows you to be pulled back in. Maybe, just maybe, why not, could be, oh I know it probably isnt it, BUT...

I'm sorry for your disappointment this month. It's something to which, unfortunately, many of us can relate.

Lisa (yourgreatlife - ICLW#44)

Clio said...

maybe it will be a little easier to keep the ups and downs to a more mellow ride instead of the full on roller coaster now that you have one kid. at least we can hope, can't we?
As for getting pregnant on your own, that is always a possibility, as a friend of mine would say: as long as there's menstruation and sperm...