Monday, February 9, 2009

Yet Another Baby Shower

Yesterday I went to my girlfriend's baby shower. She's the wife of my husband's best friend. She decided last June to "start trying" and promptly got pregnant that month. Her shower was the first shower in a very long time that I didn't dread. I wasn't by any means excited about it, but at least I wasn't in a constant state of battle - warding off buckets of tears and bouts of depression.

Of course, being pregnant myself and sporting a stomach that is just about as big as the mom of the hour (yet 10 weeks behind her), I got asked when I was due. A LOT. I'm sure they were thinking, "Dang! That girl is ginormous!" I wanted to explain the whole fertility thing and make excuses, but I just smiled and nodded and stuffed another cookie into my mouth.

Oddly enough, I felt like an impostor. It was surreal for some reason. I felt like I was playing the role of a pregnant woman in a movie. I guess there are still lots of parts of my brain that have not wrapped themselves around the idea that I'm really Having a Baby. But there I was, with girls surrounding me asking when my shower was, and if I was having the I.D. the Contents of the Melted Candy Bar in the Diaper game, or the I.D. the Baby Food Flavor game, or the Don't Say the Word Baby Or I'll Take Your Diaper Pin game.

I know that several times during the afternoon I wondered what was going on in the minds of the "childless" women there. Were they suffering? Were they dreaming of their own Someday Baby? Were they bitter? Were they jealous? For myself, it was difficult to just let go and enjoy the afternoon. I still hung out mostly in the kitchen and watched from afar. I wonder if that will change someday?


Kymberli said...

I know that feeling. I know that for me, though baby showers have grown tolerable, I can't help but think the same things you were thinking. I wonder how many women are sitting there who don't want to be, fighting back tears and trying to put up a good front. Those thoughts alone add an element of some difficulty to showers that I don't think I'll ever shed.

Faith said...

Wow. Sounds like we can't ever quite shake it, huh? Good for you for being sensitive to those still in the struggle.

Leslie Laine said...

This is an interesting post - I wonder what it would feel like to finally be at a baby shower with the "heat off" - and if it would really feel much better than it does now. I think it's wonderful that you were thinking about the other women there who may not have children. Maybe that's the silver lining of this whole experience - it makes you more sensitive.

I hope that you can shake the imposter feeling soon - you deserve some joy of your own!

'Murgdan' said...

Hmmm. I never thought much about that before. Yeah, I think no matter what everything will always be a little 'bittersweet'...
but hopefully you'll come out of that corner when it's time for your OWN baby shower...just a little?

Jen said...

I can really relate right now because I just heard a friend is preggo with accident #2. My first reaction was jealousy even though I most definitely don't want a second baby yet. I think that it just pisses me off that it is so easy for some and they take it for granted.

Princess Jo said...

Ugh...the overthinking's fun.

I often look around and wonder who else is the infertile one.

IF had such a huge impact on our lives, I think we will be left with the over thinking bug for the rest of our lives, sometimes.

Congrats on the pregnancy.And thanks for you lovely comment.